Full Name: Michael Alan H.
Age: 36
Location: New York, NY
Occupation: Production Manager for an academic journal
Hobbies: Writing, theater, throwing rocks at homeless people
Pets: Just this precious, precious golden ring that apparently belongs to some evil god bent on world domination. Yes… my precious…

1: the heavy part
You’re originally from Mississippi? What was that like?
Mississippi was a great place to grow up. Lots of open space for a kid. I am an only child, and I lived on a dead-end street at the edge of the city. This neighborhood was populated mostly by WWII vets. I was the only kid.

I went to a Catholic School. I come from a lower middle class family. I led a very sheltered and idyllic childhood. I have zero complaints.

…then you joined the Navy!? Just in time for the first Gulf War!?
I joined in 1985, just after high school. I enlisted as a radar technician. I spent the first two years of my enlistment in electronics schools, then the remaining four years of my six year enlistment stationed on board a destroyer, USS Sampson, DDG-10. I had been in the military for about four and a half years when the First Persian Gulf War started. We were there the entire time, acting as radar picket ship for the aircraft carrier USS Saratoga, in the Red Sea.

Aside from some rather teeth rattling scares, we were never in any danger. This was fine by me: I had no intention of dying in some stupid war I didn’t believe in, and I had no intention of killing anyone unless they threatened me directly, be they Iraqi soldiers or my fellow enlisted men. I just wanted out of whole corrupt war machine. I had enlisted for six years – I completed that enlistment, and was honorably discharged. I performed my duties as a radar technician well enough that I was awarded a Navy Achievement Medal, a rare award for a junior enlisted man. I therefore kept my part of the bargain. But I hated the Navy, and I still hate it.

I’d run to Canada before I’d ever serve in the military for this country again.

…then you spent a while in San Francisco?
One of my electronic schools was in the San Francisco Bay Area. I fell in love with California, and later – during long, boring deployments in which I read voraciously about science – I fell in love with quantum mechanics. In the last year of my enlistment, I applied and was accepted as a student at U. C. Berkeley. I chose Berkeley because it’s in the Bay Area, and because it is one of the best schools for physics.

In as few words as possible, how the hell did you end up in New York City?
I moved to Connecticut for a girlfriend. We had dated long distance for a year, though I had spent a lot of time out here visiting. Her dad owned the law firm where I worked as a software developer. She worked there as a paralegal out of the New York office. We worked together on some cases, and in this way, developed a relationship.

We broke up soon after I moved to CT. I decided to stay on the East Coast for a bit before returning to Northern California. For that reason, I moved to New York, found work, and currently live in Greenwich Village.

Has New York lived up (or down) to your expectations?
It has far exceeded my expectations. Because I have every intention of moving BACK to Northern California at some point in the undetermined future, the *only* thing I’ve truly taken seriously is my full time job. Otherwise, I’ve experimented with everything from acting to self publishing to knitting (It’s fun!), and on nearly every front, people in New York have been very supportive and welcoming.

Ideally, what will your life look like on New Year's Day 2005?
I hope that I’m still in New York, still working, still saving money, and still having a lot of fun being silly. Perhaps by that time I’ll have turned my Website into a print publication (maybe), and will be doing stand-up comedy on a regular basis.

Which was the best year, you-wise, of your life? Why?
1991. I had just left the Navy and started school as a freshman. I was 24 years old, and believed that I could do anything – anything – I wanted.

I was wrong, of course. But, it was fun to live in that delusion while is lasted.

When did you first realize you were a writer?
I never made a conscious decision, per se. I had fun writing when I was a kid, and continued to do so for fun into high school and the Navy. I stopped during college, then started again when I moved to the East Coast. I’m not bad, but I’m not brilliant – I suffer from no delusions that I’ll ever be a famous writer. But I have fun with it. I only write comedic essays, for the simple reason that when you laugh, the world laughs with you… cry, and you cry alone.

And you also act?
I do act. I was given the role of Horatio in a version of Hamlet, and am currently in a production of the Greek tragedy, The Bacchae. I've been given a part in a forthcoming production of Richard III, though I’m note sure which part yet.

What is NYNewcomer.net?
I am a Web programmer by profession, and I decided to create a Web site about the experience of assimilating into New York society. At a minimum, it would just be my own overblown Web log. Instead, though, people have expressed interest in contributing perspectives and stories. I have about three hundred articles I’ve published since I started it eight months ago. The site is gaining steam. Craig Newmark of Craigslist even emailed me about it.

Are you looking for contributors?
I’m running a little essay contest. Tell your friends!

2: the not-heavy part
Describe a good night out...
Ah, well… despite the various activities in which I’ve been involved since moving to New York, I’m not really a social person. I would much prefer to have a quiet dinner with a small group of close friends than to go to a big party. Sometimes, I am happiest just reading a book at a café, alone. That’s a survival skill that one must have in New York, the ability to get along with oneself.

And a good night in the apartment – describe that, too.
Ah, well… I live in a *tiny* apartment. It’s just a living room that’s been converted into living quarters, really. I’m willing to make the sacrifice in terms of personal space in exchange for the low rent ($650) and the proximity of the apartment to my job (3 blocks).

As a result, I rarely spend the evenings in the apartment.

Current favorite ethnic food and, if possible, dish.
I love sushi. In particular: Unagi.

What have you been listening to?
Lately I’ve been listening to Phillip Glass’s score to the film Koyaanisqatsi, and Roger Stearne’s score to the film Baraka. I have some CDs with Old Time Radio shows on them, too… I am a huge fan of radio in general, and of the Golden Age of Radio in particular. Gunsmoke was the greatest radio drama ever produced. There are over 400 episodes, and I’ve listened to them all. Twice.

Was hast you been reading?
Frightfully boring computer books, I’m afraid. One of the perks of my job is that I’m given free computer books which I can read and review. These reviews are eventually published in the journal for which I act as production manager. Currently, I’m reading the horrifyingly boring book SQL: From Access to SQL Server. It’s good to have these publications listed on my resume, though, so I chew my way through the material at a stolid pace.

What have you been watching on TV?
I don’t have a TV, I’m afraid, but I have seen two shows recently. I watched the Sci/Fi remake of Battlestar Galactica and a recent episode of South Park. I was able to do this because a tech friend who lives in Florida made a video rip of these shows, then streamed them to me so I could watch them on my computer. Gotta love technology.

Seen any movies lately? What did you think?
I saw The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It was a good movie, but very, very, VERY long. At one point towards the end of the film, a guy in the row in front of me stood up and shouted “MOTHERFUCKER. READING THE BOOK DIDN’T TAKE THIS FUCKING LONG.” Then he stormed out. Hee.

It was a good movie. I like movies with axes and Cate Blanchett in them. Cate, if you’re reading this, I love you, and your husband is all wrong for you. Deep down, you know it to be true.

You're getting ready to go out: Which song do you blast on the stereo?
“Goodbye Sober Day,” Mr. Bungle, from their California album.

3: the cocktail party
So you’re having a cocktail party: list five A-list guests, other than Jesus, me and your friends...
Craig Newmark!
Mike Patton
Harrison Ford
Cate Blanchett!
Kurt Vonnegut

What drinks will you serve?
I dunno, man. Beer, wine, liquor. I didn’t start drinking until I moved to New York. I’d have to ask you for advice.

What will be on the stereo?
I think I’d put in classical music, since I have a lot of it, and my other musical tastes tend to be so bizarre that they’re not fit for normal human consumption (Mr. Bungle, NegativLand).

Conversation topics will include…
Craig, how DID you put together that Web site?
Mike, when will Mr. Bungle be getting back together?
Harry, please don’t tell me you’re actually thinking about a fourth Indian Jones movie.
Cate, don’t you think we’d make a cute couple?
Kurt, what’s a firestorm really like?

How will the evening end?
I don’t care what happens to the other four, but I’m hoping to see Cate naked.