Full Name: Burt Colk
Age: 25
Location: Brooklyn, NY
Occupation: Mostly unemployed
Hobbies: It's all hobbies now
Pets: No

1: the heavy part
Where are you from, originally? What was it like there?
I grew up in Needham, MA. Trying to figure out what Needham was like is a game I only started playing in college. When I actually lived there, I just thought of it as 'normal'; it looked more or less like the place where The Simpsons lived, or Mickey Mouse for that matter. A lot of kids in high school were always saying that there was nothing to do in Needham, but I'm still not sure what it is they wished they could do. I guess buy alcohol. It's a dry town. They also wanted to smoke a lot of pot, so I don't know exactly what town they had in mind. Needham High School was rumored, by kids from Needham High School, to have been pictured in "High Times" magazine with the caption "Weedham High." A lot of old people seem to live there. I am now charmed by the fact that a lot of stuff in town still looked like it was the 60s, at least when I was growing up. Of course now a lot of that's changed – like, they've installed a horrible sculpture of children dancing on the green in the center of town. It was meant to deter teenage goths from hanging out there, and I think it worked.

Harvard, eh? Did your experience at the school meet/exceed/not live up to your expectations? How?
In answer to your first question: mm-hm. In answer to your second and third questions: My expectations of Harvard, to the degree that I had any, were mostly based on which characters in movies were said to have gone there – young lawyers, rich bad guys, brilliant research scientists, and the Unabomber, who, admittedly, hasn't yet appeared in a movie. Except for Unambomber: The True Story (1996) (TV). This is to say that I wasn't really expecting anything in particular. From my point of view, the biggest distinction Harvard has is that its famous name attracts people so astoundingly ambitious that if you haven't met such a person, I can't even begin to explain what they're like. But meeting these people, and then meeting other people like me who didn't quite identify with them – this all seemed very valuable and formative and I'm certainly glad I went, just for the people. As for whether I learned more or better than I would have anywhere else, almost definitely not. But who cares?

How did you end up in New York?
Same way I ended up at Harvard…when you don't have any clear personal goals or practical knowledge of the world, the place with the biggest, loudest reputation seems like the best bet. I was in D.C. for a year between college and here. I guess because it's the CAPITAL.

Update us on your situation in life?
I was working as an editor at a publishing company for a year, and various sorts of dissatisfactions with the job and with myself were really weighing on me, and the job wasn't going to lead anywhere and somehow seemed to leave no room in my head for thinking about anything else, so after a long period of agonizing, I quit it with the intention of living off my savings for a while and trying to figure out what I actually wanted to be doing with myself. That was in October, and that's still where I am now: living in my own place in Brooklyn and struggling head-on with the problem of making my life seem meaningful to me. Ugh.

How long have you been playing the piano? Did you ever quit? (I did, twice.)
Was the second time permanent? (More or less.) Do you still play? (Not very often.) I started going to lessons when I was…5? 6? Either 5 or 6. When I was…I don't know, 11 or something, I reached the end of some basic curriculum with my local piano teacher, and my father decided he would teach me further at home – he's just an enthusiast and amateur, but I think he felt that there wasn't enough actual musicianship being taught and that I was ready for something more advanced, and more free. That situation only lasted a little while because of some psychological friction inherent in having my father constantly judging my performance from a teacher's perspective, and the structured lessons gradually degenerated. But it was right after that, when I was finally left to my own devices, that I started getting really into music – I suddenly felt like I had a personal relationship with it rather than a mediated one, and it became exciting to me. So no, I never quit, but I didn't actually like it until it sort of quit me.

We understand that you are writing a musical. How did this come about?
I'm always sort of dipping my toes in the waters of being a creative artist type, but then putting it off for practical reasons, and part of this quitting my job adventure was that I would make myself go through with a real big creative project and see what I actually had in me. A musical, basically because I feel like musicals are generally terrible, and people who know that they're terrible tend not to write them, so the "you have nothing to contribute!" voices in my head aren't quite so imperious regarding this particular form. Of course typing this just now made me feel like "who the hell do I think I am?" so it's all very fragile. Broadway here we come!

Favorite musical?
Interesting. When I was younger, I thought that Sondheim's music was pretty cool and would have said Sunday in the Park with George or something, but recently I've started to feel like those shows are all irritatingly mannered…so I'm gonna say On the Town.

Favorite instrument other than the piano? Why?
I've always been pretty intrigued by the harp. It has such a familiar sound with really strong connotations, and is capable of being completely gorgeous in both cheesy and non-cheesy ways, and yet almost nobody anywhere can play it or has even encountered one. Harpists always seem to be attractive women and/or Harpo, but I still think it'd be cool to know how to play the harp. Also the banjo.

Have your early to mid 20s been like you imagined? Why or why not?
Once when I was maybe 12, my mother put out salad with dinner and told me to eat some, and I apparently told her that I didn't want to that night, but that she needn't worry because I planned to eat salad "in my twenties." This is one of those lame lines that my family repeats, now, so I've been forced to remember it – but my point in telling it here is that I probably was serious, and that that's pretty much the degree to which I imagined my 20s at all. As the end of college approached, I remember describing my frustratedly limited conception of my own future to a friend as being like approaching the line of the horizon and waiting to see the land on the other side of the ridge, and being inches away and still not seeing it, which means it must be a near-vertical drop. Which in some ways is how things have felt. "All-encompassing post-collegiate confusion" is one of the biggest markets these days so I'm not going to claim that anything particularly distinctive has happened to me in this respect.

Which was the best year, for you, of the aforementioned early to mid 20s? Why?
Well, if 21 is in the running, that's it, far and away, but I suspect that we're talking about the "all-encompassing post-collegiate confusion" period here, which is both the reason why I choose 21 and the reason why it shouldn't count. My first year in New York felt good, late-23 to early-24, but it doesn't align well with my birthday, as you can see. I'm about to turn 26 and right now things in my head feel hopeful for a change, if not actually stable – let's see how long I can keep it up.

Ideally, what will your life look like on New Year's Day 2006?
I just did a google image search on the phrase "complete awesomeness" and came up with only one hit: http://x-theway.tripod.com/. I could have worked up a serious answer but I think everyone gets what the deal is with me by this point.

2: the not-heavy part
Describe a good night out...
I like going out to medium-range restaurants with friends and talking, just like everyone else does. It's worth noting that the nights I actually remember best are rarely those nights – and it's only in my memory that the assessment of a night out as "good" can really settle in, so the nights that seem happiest to me are often anomalies with some odd dramatic touch or other, and those can't be planned or described generally. They're rare, necessarily.

And a good night in the apartment?
Most of the things I genuinely like to do are classed as "rainy-day activities" by healthier people, and I am almost never at a loss to be well-entertained in my apartment. I guess a good night is any one where other people join me in that kind of stuff because it pleases them to and I don't have to worry that we're only in the apartment because I'm weighing everyone down. I worry about that a lot.

Current favorite ethnic food and, if possible, dish.
As I'm typing this, I have a stomach bug of some kind, and my sense of food is skewed. Is there a name for the peculiar way in which those words don't quite rhyme? Probably not. I used to write 'pasta' when faced with this question on "let's get to know you" surveys, because a) I like pasta, who doesn't? and b) I don't think favorite foods reveal very much about people, so it probably doesn't matter. I highly recommend delicious Jyoti canned Indian foods.

What have you been listening to?
My music intake waxes and wanes over each year, and this month I'm sorry to say it's on the wane. The CD I currently have overdue from The New York Public Library for the Performing Arts is Ernesto Halffter: Complete Music for Piano Solo; Adam Kent, piano, which is very charming.

Was hast you been reading?
Most recently and most likely-to-finish-ly, The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy by Laurence Sterne. It's making me laugh quite a bit, though it's certainly not to all tastes. Whenever I tell Beth about stuff that amused me, she says, "It sounds really silly." But that's exactly what pleases me, that it turns out that an 18th-century thick classic work is a sympathetic, easy read and, indeed, really silly. Imaginary professors in my head are objecting that you're not supposed to call literature 'easy,' but I just mean that, you know, I haven't gotten bored or confused.

What have you been watching on TV?
Nothing, although I plugged my computer into my TV the other day and played Galaga.

Seen any movies lately? What did you think?
I saw a Hungarian movie called Kontroll a few days ago, and though it was one of those style-over-substance dream-logic movies and had some serious problems, I basically enjoyed it. But I think it might really rub me the wrong way if I ever saw it again. I should never have seen Sling Blade a second time.

3: the cocktail party
So you're having a cocktail party: list five A-list guests, other than Jesus, me and your friends...
First of all, I can't in a million years imagine myself hosting a cocktail party. I've never hosted a party - or had a cocktail for that matter - so the whole thing is unlikely even before Jesus shows up. Second of all, I am completely uncomfortable talking to famous people, so if the idea is that these people are going to be there but aren't my friends, I'm not sure I'm up for it. I just told Beth that I wasn't sure how to answer this question, and she said, "you should say 'some hot babes'." That I hadn't yet dared consider this answer reminds me of the familiar "dammit, why didn't I ever go for it?" sexual hindsight feeling that lots of nerds have, so I'm going to seize the day and say "some hot babes."

What drinks will you serve?
I frequently rave about this amazing Marks & Spencer apple juice I had in London several years ago, the likes of which I have never tasted in the States, so I'm going to take advantage of the fantasy nature of this party to get another carton or two of that, thanks. I guess to appease the babes I'd see if their profiles mentioned any drinks under "turn-ons" and have some of that stuff on hand. Actually I'd probably just hire a good catering service and explain about the babes and they'd know what to do. If they don't, I'm firing them and getting someone else.

What will be on the stereo?
Maybe some horrible screeching noises, just to remind people that the party is only make-believe. If the babes made me turn it off I guess I'd let you decide what to put on, Steve.

Conversation topics will include:
I think it would be hard to focus on any real conversation under the imaginary circumstances, so I'd probably just suggest that everyone get in a circle and play "Mafia" or "Botticelli" or one of those other stupid games. That'd bring back memories of my freshman year of college. If the babes weren't into it I'd pretty much just let them choose the topic.

How will the evening end?
Just like Super Mario Brothers 2.