Full Name: Benjamin Gregory H.
Age: 24
Location: New York City
Occupation: Menial Laborer, Tutor, MILF Hunter
Hobbies: Philadelphia Phillies baseball, solitary weed smoking, my pets
Pets: None

1: the heavy part
Update us on your situation in life.
Trying my hand at living life in New York City, which so far has meant doing things in an unnecessarily difficult manner as a means to avoid becoming what I despise. Whatever, dude.

Thoughts on New York City as your new home.
Where else can you do a half a million things, all at a quarter to three?

How have you adapted to working the extremely early shift?
It's all in how you look at it. It might be extremely early to you, but to me it's extremely on-time. I get out of work, it's 9am, and I have the whole day a head of me. In the interest of keeping things positive, lets ignore the fact that I'm always tired and have no social life.
But when all is said and done, I know that I'll have been glad I worked this job (UPS, by the way). It's getting me in shape, I'm a Teamster, and after growing up in an entirely too Caucasian neighborhood, it has put me in the unique situation of being the only white guy. I wanted NYC to be full of new experiences, and UPS has provided a lot of them. My interview for the job was at 3:45 am.

(postscript: RIP my UPS career: 10/29/02-3/26/03)

Thoughts on Pittsburgh as your former home?
It couldn't have been better, except I should have gone bowling more. I enjoyed my time there, and promise to continue to bullshit about visiting without ever taking any concrete steps to make it happen.
It seems to be the hip thing to bash Pittsburgh as a town unfriendly to the young, but I loved it there. I lived in a great neighborhood (Squirrel Hill), had a great set of friends, and worked at the best part-time job ever (Heads Together). I only left because of a ridiculous opportunity that presented itself.
Although, after hearing that public transportation may be cut after 7pm and on weekends, I'm starting to think that things really are headed in the wrong direction out there.

Ideally, what will your life look like on New Year's Day 2004?
Ideally, I'd wake up next to someone I truly care about, as opposed to a small pile of balled-up Kleenex.

Have your early-to-mid '20s been like you imagined? Why or why not?
I think I imagined a lot more fucking, so no.

Which was the best year, for you, of the aforementioned early-to-mid '20s?
If we're going by calendar years, I'd say 2002 just because it was so eventful, a year of transition (from Pittsburgh to NYC), loss (my Grandmother), accomplishment (AmeriCorps), and macrobursts (that shit was insane). Much respect is also due to May 2000 to May 2001 as well, a span of 12 months that included the best college summer ever (despite a fractured heel) and a very rewarding senior year.

Which was the best year, you wise, of your life?
That's tough. A case could be made for just about any year (except 1988, which has a shitty lawyer). I'll go with 1997. Most of the year was spent very comfortably: driving a 1981 Pontiac Phoenix, working as a dishwasher, and hanging out with a great set of friends (with whom many movies were made, as well as the ultra-rare Trying Too Hard LP). Then I left all that for the University of Pittsburgh, the start of an eventful half decade in the 412.

Compare those two years? How were they different? How were they the same?
They were different in that my lustful thoughts in 1997 were focused on the sex I would one day have, and in 2002 they were focused on the sex I had once had. They were the same in that both years included little or no actual sex.

2: the not-heavy part
Describe a good night out on the town...
Pot smoking and beer drinking with like-minded friends before, during, and after a concert that will, like, totally blow me away, dude. My ideal live band changes with time, shifting from the Blues Explosion to Atari Teenage Riot to Godspeed You Black Emperor (fuck where they put the exclamation point) to the Frogs to Acid Mothers Temple to…? (not Damon and Naomi, that's for sure).

And a good night in the apartment, describe that, too.
Getting high and debating whether or not to spring for a trial membership on milfhunter.com

Current favorite ethnic food and, if possible, dish.
New York's a paradise for ethnic foods. I have only scratched the surface. I guess I like Chinese the best right now. Not food court style Chinese, but Chinatown NYC Chinese. Some recent favorites: Beef with Jalapenos, Roast Duck soup, pan fried noodles, and Sausage casserole. Best restaurant name is a tie between Big Wong and 69.

What have you been listening to?
The Angels of Light Everything is Good Here/Please Come Home has been my favorite album of 2003 thus far. Other albums just purchased or on the brink of purchase include the likes of Neurosis, 5ive, and Woven Hand.

Was hast you been been reading?
The last book I finished was American Scream, a biography of the late, great comedian Bill Hicks. I just finished the Howard Zinn Reader, which since October I had been reading entirely in the bathroom. And slowly but surely, I'm making my way through Gulliver's Travels. Most of my reading is magazines, though, so I can make sure I hold up the sanctimonious liberal end of any political conversation.

What have you been watching on TV?
Since arriving in NYC, practically nothing. The Simpsons, of course. I will never stop watching, no matter how ludicrous the show gets.

Seen any movies lately? What did you think?
Morvern Callar, contrary to the poorly formulated opinion of one Steve May, is an aimless waste of time. Quiet American was decent but ultimately forgettable because of an overemphasis on the romance and an underemphasis on the politics. Spider was unique but slower moving than a two year old trying to bowl. John Lesley's The Voyeur Pt. 13 was exactly what I expected.

3: the cocktail party
So you're having a cocktail party: list five A-list guests, other than Jesus, me and your friends...
(I always considered Steve May and Jesus to be one and the same…)

1. John Kruk, Philadelphia sports legend who has one testicle
2. Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer
3. Tristan Taormino, Village Voice sex columnist and bestselling author of The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex.
4. Onan, seed-spilling biblical character
5. Howard Zinn, a true hero

What will be in the stereo?
On random:

1. Weird Al Yankovic s/t
2. Neil Young Rust Never Sleeps
3. Black Sabbath Paranoid
4. DJ Shadow Endtroducing
5. The Frogs It's Only Right and Natural

How will the evening end?
Howard Zinn will exit early in quiet dignity, followed by Dan Castellaneta. A visibly drunk John Kruk is picked up shortly thereafter by an even more visibly drunk Lenny Dykstra (on his way back from Darren Daulton's bachelor party). Onan, all worked up from the evening's frank sex talk, excuses himself to the bathroom for a prolonged seed-spilling session. Seed spilling seems like a good idea to me . . . inside Tristan Taormino! We adjourn to the bedroom for an educational, empowered, mind-blowing night of sex, anal and otherwise.